I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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