I hate all girls vehemently.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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