I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
