I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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