4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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