Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
