Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
