I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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