I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
