i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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