Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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