she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
