It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
