i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
