brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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