Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
