your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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