So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
