I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
