Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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