Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
