is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
how drunk are you?
Several
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
