Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
