I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
