yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
