My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
