i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
