Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i love accidental penises.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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