just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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