Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
