nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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