I just saw a hot homeless man
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
