this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
