I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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