I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
