At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The air taste purple.
Randomize
