Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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