If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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