The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
