He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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