I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
