apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
