foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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