when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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