I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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