Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
