No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
