They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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