Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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