My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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