This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
