so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
