She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We have started to decorate penises.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm like, not good at living.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
