Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
