That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
