There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
